if being your friend is forever,
and being your gf is till the day it ends,

maybe i would rather be forever....

for cos you're too important in my heart,
and i cant imagine losing you forever again....

i lost u three times,
it's more than enough..

since our birthday,
i told myself i'm not going to let you go again..
i'm going to hold on to you and never let go..
my heart wanted and needed you so badly..
i cant afford to lose you another time..

but guess i was too late...
i was really too late....

for the past few days i really thought things were back to before..
u didnt mention anything about that night,
i didnt mention anything about that night either..
i thought we could put everything behind and start afresh...
i really thought we could....

guess it's karma for me,
for me hurting you twice,
i had to bear the consequences...
i have no one to blame, only myself..

you know how hurtful it is,
i was really thinking positively about us these few days..
i was really really very happy with you around..
i really thought we could be together again..
i really wanted to go back to the old days....

why stop when you care..
why stop when you feel..
why ask me to go home and give one more night,
after then if i really want to you wont stop me..
why stop when i really know clearly what i wanted..

i wanted you back so badly..
i needed you back so badly..
now i'm telling u loud n clear..
that i want you and need you back..
but i'm too late, so late....

everytime i let u go without really wanting to..
that's not what i want,
that's not what my heart wants..
each time i let u go hurting u and hurting myself..
i felt so lost, so empty without you..
fact is i needed you and wanted you more badly than anything..

pls tell me i wont lose u another time again....

i guess i only have myself to blame for things to end up in this situation..
i screwed up everything..
it's all because of me, yes again..
why do i always have to wait for things to happen before i wake up,
and it's too late to regret or salvage the situation..
why why why.....

you are really very important to me..
i dont want to and cant afford to lose you again even as a friend..
but i think i just did..

love hurts, it really hurts too much for me to handle..
but losing you as a friend is even worst than breaking up..
you are really too important in my life..

though i know that whatever i said and explain will contridict..
but it's because i'm really afraid to lose u in my life..

i'm really feeling tired of waiting...
but i felt really happy then..
happy to be there in your life..
happy to be part of your life..
happy to see you everyday..
waiting is no easy or simple task..
though u asked me not to, i still wanted to wait then..

i just want to be your friend now..
i only want to be your friend..
will you still give me another chance..

i'm sorry...
i really am very sorry..

i miss you badly..
i really do..

many a times i wanted to msg you,
tell you i miss you..
but i dare not..
i held back..
for fear of rejection..

the missing you in within is getting stronger day by day..
thou i still see you everyday,
but i dont know why..
i really miss you so much bei..

as days pass by and gets longer,
it did not let me move on..
instead it made me clearly realise on what i really want..
all i really want is you, still you..
am still waiting for you and will still wait for you..

thou i do not dare to ask for to be back tgr one day..
but i hope the day will come..
if the day dont come,
i would appreciate and hope everything remains the same just like now..

i love to spend my days with you..
i love to spend my nights with you..
i love to help u choose you clothes clothes..
i love to iron your clothes clothes for work..
i love to see you make your hair..
i love to see you rushing off for work..
i love to text you during your break..
i love to pick you up from work..
i love to help you change change..
i love to help you ma ma..
i love to pour water for you every night..
i love to help you massage your tired body..
i love to help you apply medicine..
i love to pat pat you to sleep..
i love to watch the way you sleep..

i want to continue to help you do all the small little things..
i want to spend many many years of our birthday tgr..

i do not want anything for my birthday,
nor do i need anything for my birthday..
i only have one wish..
only just one wish..
for all i wish is you..

i'll patiently wait for the day,
cos all my time belongs to you..

you're my addiction,
for it's you who keeps me surviving..

I'll chase after you, run to look for you,
Till i can finally find you..

Just like today..
Without knowing i can find you or not,
I just ran like a mad women just to find you,
and pass you your phone..

Sounds quite silly isnt..
But if you arent silly when it comes to love,
All i can say is that you never really loved someone before....

Waiting for you...

bei, do u know that i miss you..
i really miss you real badly...

every night i tried to hang out as late as i could,
cos i dont want to be alone at home without you..
the room feels so empty without you..
i felt so lost even in this small room..

used to so look forward to when i dismiss from work..
used to so look forward to when i'm waiting for you at home..

but now, i dread it when i dismiss from work..
i've got too much time not knowing what to do..
i no longer know what time you'll reach home..
every minute without you just seems to pass like hours..

i felt so lonely..
i felt so scared..
i felt so lost..
i felt there's nothing for me to look forward to everyday..
life just feels so meaningless now..

friends kept me accompanied..
but nothing could ever replace the loneliness in my heart..

i need a break badly..
we left our footsteps in everywhere and every part of s'pore..
everywhere i went reminds me of you..
everything i did reminded me of you again..

we've had too many memories..
and i'm glad most are wonderful memories..
memories that would make me smile..
memories that could make me melt..

i dont know what i want now..
i dont know how i'm feeling now..
i dont know what i should do now..
i'm really very lost, very confused..

this weekend to JB shall be a break for me..
at least we dont have alot of memories over there..
it's a good time to let me calm down and hopefully think through..

*********

it feels so good to be able to hug you to sleep still..
at least i can feel your warmth..
it just feels so good to be able to feel you,
have you in my arms even if it's only during the night..

i just cant stop caring for you..
i just cant stop doing all the small little things for you..
i just cant stop loving you..

i miss you bei...

i'm still waiting for u~

you're waiting for her..
and i'm waiting for you..

i'll continue to wait,
till the day you're ready to accept me again..

i just want to continue to stay by your side,
to take care of you and to do things quietly for you..

i need you more than anything else,
cos i love you..

i'm too deeply poisoned,
too hurt and briused..

i need my drug,
cos i'm deeply addicted to you..

screw that miscommunication between us..
think till today u still think i yuan wang ni ba..
but i really really didnt..
i've never lied to u before,
so pls believe me..
had been thinking if not for that miscomm,
things may not have happen..
thou it's actually not really important now,
but i really need u to believe me..

love hurts..
it really hurts..
and i really mean damn hurt..

super hurt when it involves third party again..
super hurt when i see you so hurt yet i cant do anything..
super hurt when i feel that your heart is no longer with me..
but most hurt when you only want us to be good friends..

i just cant understand how fragile love can be..
i just cant understand why does it happen again..
i just cant understand how could it happen to us..
i just cant understand how can a few days replace your love for me..
maybe i just dont understand what is love..

you've made many sacrifices for her..
but aren't i've made many sacrifices for you too..
and i thought i treated you the best i ever could..
i thought i dont deserve all these to happen to me..
but it doesn't really matters anymore..
all i want is you to return to my side..

i want to always help you tidy your room..
i want to always help you wash your clothes,
hang and iron your clothes..
i want to help you feed our babies everyday..
i want to help you change bedding every week..
i want to pour water for you every night..
i want to go out with you whenever we're free..
i want to watch all my movies with you..
i want to do all my shopping and overseas trip with you..
i want to eat all the good food with you..
i want to celebrate my birthday with you every year..
i want to pat pat and hug hug you to sleep..
i want to be able to hold your hands,
hug you and kiss you..
i want to shower you with my love and concern..
i want you to be by my side always..

but guess eveything will be quite different now..
u'll no longer treat me like how it used to be..
u'll no longer talk to me like how it used to be..
u'll no longer msg me like how it used to be..
u'll no longer protect me like how it used to be..

i will remember all the wonderful memories u've given me..
all the memorable moments we had together..
all the roads, places and countries we've been to..
all the food we've eaten together..
but sometimes i wonder if u ever did remember me..

u promise we'll still be very very good friends..
i really hope this is the last promise u'll ever break..

but i still hope for the day u'll return to my side..
i really need you in my life cos i love you..
u'r all that i had left..
nothing weighs more important than you in my heart..
and u'r the only reason that keeps me going on..

bei, i love you..
i really really do..

*wonder will you ever read this entry..

all i know is i love you..

i really really love you...

i want to go overseas!!
i so want to go overseas!!
i really want to go overseas la!!

what a 'big fat' bonus for year end..
all plans gone..