bei, do u know that i miss you..
i really miss you real badly...

every night i tried to hang out as late as i could,
cos i dont want to be alone at home without you..
the room feels so empty without you..
i felt so lost even in this small room..

used to so look forward to when i dismiss from work..
used to so look forward to when i'm waiting for you at home..

but now, i dread it when i dismiss from work..
i've got too much time not knowing what to do..
i no longer know what time you'll reach home..
every minute without you just seems to pass like hours..

i felt so lonely..
i felt so scared..
i felt so lost..
i felt there's nothing for me to look forward to everyday..
life just feels so meaningless now..

friends kept me accompanied..
but nothing could ever replace the loneliness in my heart..

i need a break badly..
we left our footsteps in everywhere and every part of s'pore..
everywhere i went reminds me of you..
everything i did reminded me of you again..

we've had too many memories..
and i'm glad most are wonderful memories..
memories that would make me smile..
memories that could make me melt..

i dont know what i want now..
i dont know how i'm feeling now..
i dont know what i should do now..
i'm really very lost, very confused..

this weekend to JB shall be a break for me..
at least we dont have alot of memories over there..
it's a good time to let me calm down and hopefully think through..

*********

it feels so good to be able to hug you to sleep still..
at least i can feel your warmth..
it just feels so good to be able to feel you,
have you in my arms even if it's only during the night..

i just cant stop caring for you..
i just cant stop doing all the small little things for you..
i just cant stop loving you..

i miss you bei...

i'm still waiting for u~

you're waiting for her..
and i'm waiting for you..

i'll continue to wait,
till the day you're ready to accept me again..

i just want to continue to stay by your side,
to take care of you and to do things quietly for you..

i need you more than anything else,
cos i love you..

i'm too deeply poisoned,
too hurt and briused..

i need my drug,
cos i'm deeply addicted to you..

screw that miscommunication between us..
think till today u still think i yuan wang ni ba..
but i really really didnt..
i've never lied to u before,
so pls believe me..
had been thinking if not for that miscomm,
things may not have happen..
thou it's actually not really important now,
but i really need u to believe me..

love hurts..
it really hurts..
and i really mean damn hurt..

super hurt when it involves third party again..
super hurt when i see you so hurt yet i cant do anything..
super hurt when i feel that your heart is no longer with me..
but most hurt when you only want us to be good friends..

i just cant understand how fragile love can be..
i just cant understand why does it happen again..
i just cant understand how could it happen to us..
i just cant understand how can a few days replace your love for me..
maybe i just dont understand what is love..

you've made many sacrifices for her..
but aren't i've made many sacrifices for you too..
and i thought i treated you the best i ever could..
i thought i dont deserve all these to happen to me..
but it doesn't really matters anymore..
all i want is you to return to my side..

i want to always help you tidy your room..
i want to always help you wash your clothes,
hang and iron your clothes..
i want to help you feed our babies everyday..
i want to help you change bedding every week..
i want to pour water for you every night..
i want to go out with you whenever we're free..
i want to watch all my movies with you..
i want to do all my shopping and overseas trip with you..
i want to eat all the good food with you..
i want to celebrate my birthday with you every year..
i want to pat pat and hug hug you to sleep..
i want to be able to hold your hands,
hug you and kiss you..
i want to shower you with my love and concern..
i want you to be by my side always..

but guess eveything will be quite different now..
u'll no longer treat me like how it used to be..
u'll no longer talk to me like how it used to be..
u'll no longer msg me like how it used to be..
u'll no longer protect me like how it used to be..

i will remember all the wonderful memories u've given me..
all the memorable moments we had together..
all the roads, places and countries we've been to..
all the food we've eaten together..
but sometimes i wonder if u ever did remember me..

u promise we'll still be very very good friends..
i really hope this is the last promise u'll ever break..

but i still hope for the day u'll return to my side..
i really need you in my life cos i love you..
u'r all that i had left..
nothing weighs more important than you in my heart..
and u'r the only reason that keeps me going on..

bei, i love you..
i really really do..

*wonder will you ever read this entry..

all i know is i love you..

i really really love you...

i want to go overseas!!
i so want to go overseas!!
i really want to go overseas la!!

what a 'big fat' bonus for year end..
all plans gone..

POP lo..!!
it's been a week plus..
it just feels so different..

settled down on my job already..
so far so good..
still enjoy what i'm doing currently..

coming week going back to HTA again..
it's bad, cos it's residential..
-_-!!
cant see bei for the week again..
and most of the clique is not attending this session..
double sianz..
glad it's only 8 days course..

so wanna go overseas..!!
taiwan trip was postponed..
cant wait for next year to arrive!!

just 2 more months to go before i officially graduate,
and become a full pledged Prison Officer!
and the best thing is,
it's my final exams on the coming week..

following 2 weeks will be my on the job training..
thereafter 1 week of developmental training,
and end of my residential ceremony!!
then another 4 more weeks of on the job training,
and it will be my graduation!!
woohoo!!

this just shows that i'll be out of camp most of the time,
and i can see bei bei almost everyday again!!
to be frank, this is the only thing i really look forward to..
on the job training seems quite an obstacle to me,
and i really hope i get posted to a male prison,
where i really feel more comfortable at..

am falling sick again..
was so sick for around 1 month,
just recovered these few weeks..
but here i'm falling sick soon again..
coughing and coughing,
and think i'm having a fever..

quite a few ppl in the corhort are having fever,
so it made me worried especially at this crucial time..
was asking bei do you think i will have H1N1..
then bei just kissed me and said,
dont worry, if you have i also will have,
we'll take care of each other..
aww, so sweet can~

my knee and ankle isnt getting much better..
it still hurts quite a lot..
this training just made my old injury surface again..
argh!!

1 more week to go before we can see each other everyday..
am getting so excitied about it!!
guess you too..

we have come thus far,
we'll continue to walk hand in hand to complete this wonderful journey,
of bei bei and bei bei..

big loves~

it's been super long since i last stepped in here!
wasnt really at home to update it..
and guess no one will read it too..
wait till bei has the chance to read it ba..

anyway, it's my 13th week in training..
2 more weeks before final exams..
then attachment, lesson and attachment..
and then here i graduate!!
am so glad it's going to be over soon!

no more torturers days for us anymore..
no more book in and book out..
it's gonna be happy days for us again..
i just cant wait for this day to faster arrive!

knee and ankle gave way again..
stupid speed training..
doctor said it's ligament tear..
i wonder if it's really so serious not..

recently we got ourselves many small animals..
our ai qing jie jing! hahax..
we bought 2 pig pig, adopted 2 hamsters and 3 chinchilla..
bei's place is going to become a small zoo!!
bei's so excitied about them..
they kept bei accompanied when i'm not around..
i so love love them too!
they're so adorable!!









our 2 beloved pig pig..
the brown white is called tau pok,
the other one is kong bah!
aren't they so cute!!
dont really have the hamsters and chinchilla's photo..
shall upload again if i have!

booking in tonight le..
argh, so dread it..
just have to hang on for a while more!!
bei we have to jiayou together k!

miss miss you~

it's sunday..
which means it's book in day.. =(
arghh, so dread it manz..
i hate the life i'm having now..

no bei bei around,
super love sick..
body is so so so tired,
and sucky life in camp..
i just need a longer break..
it just seems so hard to go on,
find no strength and energy to continue..

last week was great thou..
'MC' on wed and thurs,
went over to find bei..
we just needed each other so much..
was with bei over the weekend as well..
but it just seems not enough..
time with you just seems to pass extremely fast..
i really enjoyed myself with you bei..
how i wish it could be like that every week..

was on my way home today when i decided to buy the ji pai..
used to love it so much..
but once i bought it,
i no longer feel like eating it..
it reminded me of you so much..
we always share a packet together..
without sharing with you,
i felt so empty so empty..
i just couldnt seem to finish it..

my heart aches so much every weekend during book in..
i know you hate the life now..
i know you dont like when i'm not beside you..
i know you feel neglected cos we dont have much time together..
i'm sorry i cant be there when you needed me..
i'm sorry i cant be there to spend the night together..

i wish i could too bei..
i wish i could be by your side 24/7..
i wish we could go back to the old days when we were so happy..
i'm sorry bei..
pls bare with it for another 11 more weeks..
i need your encouragement to keep me going on..
i need your support so that i wont give up..
never say never is just too difficult now..

i'm losing my faith,
i'm losing myself,
i'm losing my direction,
i'm losing my motivation..
i feel so lost, so lost..

everything i do just doesnt seems right..
i dont know what to do now..
i only want to be by bei bei's side..
it's too late to regret now..
can only look forward to every weekend..

bei bei.....
i love you~

book out, book out!
book out, book out!

we've changed bunk allocation cos of the swine flu..
2 ppl to a bunk!
i love this bunk allocation manz!
but it's only temporary..
aww..

adult life is no fun at all..
cant understand why some ppl like to make life so difficult..
you all are alr in mid 20s,
but why are you all still so childish and immature..
just a simple 18 weeks training,
and you all want to make it so political..
is there a need to and what's the point manz..
grow up pple..
just a bunch of freaking brown idiotic girls..

been in camp for 3 weeks le..
everything seems pretty much of a routine..
but i still find no joy inside..
not because of the training, but it's just the ppl..
they say i'm so quiet..
cos i just find it no point to talk,
dont want to waste my breath and energy..
i'm simply much comfortable living in my small world..
at times i just think is this what uniform group should be like..
but guess things will be much better when i got posted..
officers at institute are much much much nicer..

coming week will be a long week..
will only be booking out on saturday afternoon,
cos of the opening house.. =(
and bei's working,
couldnt come to attend le..
will only be able to see you on saturday night le..
why cant they cancel the open house cos of the swine flu..
roars..

it'll be pay day on tue!
woohoo!
long time since we last received pay le..
we are so broke now..
but nvm, it's going to be over!
soon we do not have to worry about no money le..
just a few more days!

anni tmr, 1 year and 1 month..
happy anni bei bei!
just couldnt get enough of you..
days we have now just seems so precious..
guess we're just so lucky that u got off tmr..
thou we've got no money,
but your presence alone is enough to make my day..

am feeling so sick in camp..
love sick..
roars..

14 more weeks to go..

you fully occupied my small heart~