what if one day your home doesnt feel like home anymore..?

a stranger starts to stay at your place..
occupy and sleep at your room..
who will be staying for a long period of time..

and was being told to sleep together with her..
like wth..
refused, slept in parents room..

who will want to sleep together with someone whom you dont know..

then it starts to become a worst nightmare!!
with your mum physco-ing her to continue to stay put at your place, since she will be working nearby in quite some time..
only to start finding for a place when everything has settled down..
and starts to give suggestions on which sch should her 2 kids go to..
and even volunteered to take care of her 2 kids..

tian arh......!!!!!!!

who will like to sleep on a mattress and pillow that you're not comfy at..
giving you backaches and neck problem..
and got woken up 5 plus, 7 plus early in the morning..
who will be able to sleep well..?

not as if i'm in camp..
hello, this is home..
H-O-M-E, HOME!!
where it used to be so comfy, but no longer now..

i rather stay in camp and not come back home..
argh..!!

just wanna drag my feet out of this place but am too lazy..
whatever..
just hope it will soon be over..
really hope so..

only know home now doesnt feel like home anymore..
an alien place........

怎么办，怎么办，怎么办！！！
有人生气及失望了。
我开始慌了，真的慌了！！

该怎么办才好？！！
这次我真的又害怕又慌。
乱得我不知所措。

要不是我先开始，这一切就不会发生了。
没有任何人我可怨的，只有我自己。
一切的来源都来自我。
都怪我自己！！

真的好讨厌自己！！
干吗自卑感会那么的强！！
干吗对自己这么没信心！！
干吗好端端的胡思乱想！！
干吗思想这么的不成熟！！
原本那冷静的我到底到哪儿去了！！

有时人真不知道是欠打还是欠骂。
为何要为了过去的事那么的执着？！！
值得吗？！！
过去就是过去，谁何尝没有过去！！
又不是自己没过去这样！！
看开点吧！
做人就是要往前看，这样人才会开心点。

现在一切都回到原点，也许这对你我都比较好吧。

不要再那么的依赖。
不要再给那么多的麻烦。
不要再乱乱想有的、没的。
不要再老是的逃避。
现在要开始多独立点吧。

还真害怕当时你会要放弃。
你的回答真的冷得叫我害怕。
珍惜啊，珍惜！
不要忘记当初是谁给了这宝贵的机会！！
不要等到一切都太迟了才来后悔。
到时谁都救不了！！

同一句话听多了也会腻。
但除了这句话，我也不知道要说什么好。
不管你听腻了没，我还是要说：
对不起。真的很对不起。
我真的知错了。

请你相信我。
继续做我的 guardian angel...

july was indeed a packed month..
camps, camps and more camps..
but well, it was rather an enjoyable month..
great experiences with the kids..
maybe for now, pri sch kids arent such a headache to me anymore..

anyway, bao bei found me a pair of adidas sports shoe in camp..
it was left behind by the students..
cool manz..
it was super brand new la!
just nice replace my old and torn nike sports shoe..
save me the money to buy a new pair of shoes..
to whoever the student is, very much appreciated..

after hard work for a month, august seems too relaxing..
not much job opportunities on hand..
left with only 1 more half day program..
say haleluya to me and bao bei..
no job = no income..

plus, last 2 weeks of august we're having chalet and then overseas..
going over to pahang.. sighs...
really start to wonder if it's the right decision made..
but after all i've been wanting to travel overseas for quite a few months..
just that there wasnt any opportunities..

sorry bao bei..
yao bu shi wo yao qu.....
we wouldnt be so tight on hand anymore..
but well, our first and last overseas trip i guess..

come on manz..
save, save and save!!
just like the nike slogan: you can do it!

last night camelot gathering was quite great..
it's been real long since all of us gather together..
everyone was present..
miss those days where all of us spent our days in camp and outside..
will all be back at makan sutra one day again, with better service i hope..

as usual, past few days was spent at bao bei's place..
and omg!
bao bei's parents like me manz..
they ask bao bei to pack luggage, go back to bukit batok while i can continue to stay there..
still say go find lawyer, change my surname, become liang yu bing..
they're so funny and cute can..

afterall i guess it's good in a way such that they wont complain much since i spend my night there so frequently..
but poor bao bei, these few days always kena disturbed by parents..
nevermind, it's ok, you still have me.. =)

hmm..
few more days to 4th month anni..
wonder what should i get this time round..
*scratch head*..
roughly had an idea, but am not too sure about it..

was thinking back of the days when we just started..
was really glad that you gave me the chance to stay by your side then..
to allow me to shower you with much care and concern..
and to pamper you with all my love..
thanks bao bei..

if not we will not be standing here, hand in hand together le..
really treasured the days we spent together, even for now..
early single day spent with you just makes my day like never before..
and days without you are draggy and gloomy..

you are no longer a want, but a need..
for i love you not because i need you..
but i need you because i love you..

really dont know how long will our journey be..
but i hope it will be as long as it can and will be..
for days, months and years..

continue to stay by my side will ya..

loving you..

back and off again

two schools in a week..
east spring pri and bowen sec..
back to back camp..
good money but super tiring..

not much memories of east spring pri..
only remembered that we instructors had to keep pitching and fixing tents..

what you gonna be ya?
sai kang warrior!
what you gonna be ya?
sai kang warrior!
tell me tell me whose the best?
sai kang warrior is the best!
...............

what lousy and shitty tents camelot has..
had enough of tent pitching..
pls free me from it, but i guess there will definitely be more of it..
dorms are infested with stupid bed bugs !!
i better not bring them with me again !!

after many primary sch, finally a sec sch..
and wow, really enjoyed with my students but not the people i work with..
bowen sec, great bunch of students thru out the whole cohort..
even the NA and NT are execellent..

was buried in the sand by the students..
made me become a mermaid with huge boobs!!
and they added nipples on it.. hahax..
woops, sensored.. =P..
really quite enjoyed myself with them..

after all, i really still prefer sec sch..
like who doesnt right..
good luck to me for upcoming mayflower pri..

super shag after break camp..
long time since we last did back to back le..
went over to bao bei place..
we both drop dead, spend most of our time sleeping..

anyway, 3rd month anni wasnt what i expected..
pay wasnt out, there's nothing much we could do..
and there's no time for belated, but it's ok.. =)
it's more important than anything else as long as you are by my side..
your presence makes the day happen..

but still, just hope that the 4th will be more memorable..
even thou 4th doesnt seems that significant..

bao bei, thanks for anything and everything..
for you really made me happen..

emo

had been feeling quite emo and down lately..
maybe cos of PMS..?
i'm not sure, really dont know..

sighs, so hated myself..

sorry for being so selfish..
sorry for being not frank about it..
sorry for being insensitive to your feelings..
sorry for hurting you, even if it's only a little or it doesnt really matters..

thou i think you said it doesnt really matters so as to make me feel better..
but am really super guilty about it..
cos to me, it really does matters..
if we were to change shoes, it really will be a matter to me..
and i know i really did wrong this time round..
and i really not think about how you will feel..

i do not dare ask to be forgiven..
but i hope there's a second chance..
pls dont verdict me to death sentence..
i'll learn to be frank about it..
and yes i will.. is definitely a must !!
for i do not want to hurt you another time..

smile, joy and laughter are what i hope to see in you..

anyway, departures seems like real agony to me lately..
really treasured and enjoyed our short meeting times..
it is really very wonderful..
however, time seems to pass extremely fast with you by my side..
at times i just wish that the clock would stop ticking..

was really damn reluctant to leave today..
fear in me arose once again..
really missed you alot thou you're right beside me..
i just dont want to leave..
i just want to cling onto you..
i just want to stay in your arms..
i just want to spend my night with you..
but i cant, we had to go home..

you had craved my life with full of wonderful images and memories..
felt so empty just now without you..
the need for you is getting stronger each day..
you had became a basic necessity in my life..

you're just like honey, i'm just like the bees..
with such great charm, i'm so attracted to you..
just like the bees and honey..

hate to say goodbye..
hate to turn around and walk off..
hate to see your back view getting smaller and smaller..
if only there is no goodbye.....
if only.......

if only, then we all should long ago become millionaire le lo..

feelings so being supressed inside..
feel like it's going to explode soon.. anytime..
and i so feel like crying out hard..

i miss bao bei..
a few more hours to go..

emo~

better luck !!

just came back from camp not long ago with camelot..
it still feels better working with my 'home' company..
felt more comfortable with the surroundings and people..
and time seems to pass super fast..

plus, i got 2 great buddies !!
at last, i dont have horrible buddy anymore!!
and i get to slp with bao bei every night..
aww..

but guess the kids didnt really enjoyed themselves pretty much like other primary schools i took..
so sorry to them, but dont know why, i'm much stricter to them compared to other pri sch..
they were really quite alright, neither that rowdy nor mischievous..
thou kids are kids, they were really just normal behaved kids..
but just some how, i'm really much stricter this time round..
sorry kids, thou you all cant see this.. hahax..

accompanied bao bei around during the night of briefing..
dont worry bao bei..
dont have to feel guilty about it or what..
it's what i should do, and guess it's the least that i can do for u ba..
seldom see u so expressionless and stone-ing around..
plus u didnt even pay attention to briefing at all just made me cant help but to worry for u..

seeing you sad makes me sad..
seeing you happy makes me happy..
how you feel greatly affects how i feel too..

at times i'm just wondering how amazing it is when others' mood can also greatly cause an impact on and affect our mood..
but well, guess it just shows how much the person means to you ba..

and it's you bao bei..
no one else anymore..
only you..

<3

unlucky me

just had a fall few days ago at kembangan mrt station..
was talking while walking down the stairs and the next moment i was sitting down on the floor..
i missed a step and 'ouch' i went, laughing my way..

bao bei so bad la..
asked me if i'm fine not, and then started laughing..
super sway can..!
i sprained my ankle and had to report to camp that afternoon..!

already so sway for the start of the week..
but who knows, some more sway-ness is waiting for me..

my first camp with saints adventure was equally as sway.. =(..
went to camp with a heavy heart due to my sprained ankle..
it was really swollen..

sway-ness waiting for me in camp..
my buddy sucks big time !! totally a big fat idiot !!
who looks just like the kung-fu panda..
when one becomes too experienced, sometimes he will tend to become cocky and act like he's some super big shot.. yes, that's my partner..
even the second camp chief cant stand him..
so how bad do you think he is..?

shooting back at the camp chief, over stepping his authority..
scolding the kids and trainers stupid..
making fun and giving the kids name..
had to tell him about our kid's medical condition, he say don't tell him..
asked him when i'm not sure, tell me dont worry, and the next thing is, i have to settle for him..
updated matrix also never bother to tell me..
totally no communication between both of us..
shit him big times !!!

was so relieved after break camp..
i no longer need to face my 'idiot buddy'..
i no longer need to attend super long briefing and debrief..
and their debrief really reminds me of what we had gone thru during NYP camps debrief sessions..
those long winded, childish and immature debriefs..
boos !!

overall, it didnt leave me with a very good first impression working with Saints Adventure..
it was so unorganised..
but well, the management pple are very good..
imagine the boss of the company volunteer to help you do your job..
the BOSS leh, where can you find this often..?
and it's instant cash..
guess it's only these 2 factors that attract me now..
but i will really think twice if there's further opportunities to work with them..

it only makes me think thru what bao bei told me..
why we had to put our pride down to work for a new company, where we had to start and learn from scratch..
while in camelot it's pple listening to us..
but guess it's the exposure to different working experience and cultures..
sighs, and yes, that's life..

shoo those unlucky moments in the week..
and here comes a brand new week..
i believe the new week will be better..
and hopefully i'm going back to camelot this week..
i miss the planes, the sea and the stars pretty much..
job job job, come to me ba !!

and yups, to all my cliques in sec sch, poly or camelot..
you guys have been wandering round my mind these few days..
really missed you peeps..
wonder how you pple have been..

sorry, i've got very irregular working days and time..
cant really confirm when i'm free or busy..

but for sure, you guys are in my mind..
hopefully one day we will bump into each other on the streets..

take care pple..

off to rest my still swollen ankle.. =(..
zao~

yes i can !!

haven been home for quite some time..
and yes, i finally blogged..
yaya i know it's been quite a long time ago..

had been quite jobless these few weeks..
but well, camp still carried on.. at bao bei's place..

got bit sick a week ago..
but bao bei took great care of me, thus recovered fast !!
you boiled water for me knowing that i dont like to shower in cold water..
was still asking why need to boil water..
and you never really give me an answer..
and the next moment, you came back with the 'surprise'..
aww.. super sweet can~..
my heart really melted at that moment..

recently went to sport 1 course..
and i concluded that i really, seriously sucks at climbing !!
that's when i realised even with whole lots of determination, sometimes one just cannot achieve it..
i keeping telling myself, yes i can reach the top, i can..
reach higher and step higher..
but still, always cant find my grip and fall..
maybe the wall is too difficult..?
but i dont see why others can do it while i cant..
never mind, i will be back there one day and try again..
i just needed more practice..
like always..

and i still haven master dragonboat coxing..
i want to become an official DI one day..
grr.. had been stuck in it for quite some time le..
practice more practice..
never say never !!

bought bao bei a new bag that day..
woohoo, not very cheap wor..
but since you really liked it so much, so....
seeing you carrying the bag happily with such a wide smile, it just proves me that it's more worthwhile than anything else..

i only want to see you happy..
and how i wish i could diminished the fear in you..
but i know, it's impossible..
for once bitten, twice shy..

to be frank, i dislike her..
i hated her for what she had done and how she had treated you..

but bao bei..
she is she, me is me..
we are completely two different people..
dont put me together with her..
i am fishcake arh..!!
believe in me..

just how and what should i do to build the kind of trust in you again..?
pls teach me how.. bao bei...

'once bitten twice shy'..
what a well invented phrase..

help !!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh !! what's happening these few days !!

parents keep nagging about my job..!! what's wrong with it?!! am happily enjoying my work.. thou tiring, but i enjoyed myself.. and i really learnt lots of skills and 人生道理 that cannot be learnt from classrooms.. plus the sense of satisfaction is beyond description.. but all you do is to nag and nag and nag..

first say let me do what i want.. then later complain always never see me.. then say no CPF, ask me convert to full time.. siao !! and keep asking me change job arh, if not go study or what la !! etc etc.. what the hell manz !! for the N times i keep repeating i really like my job now.. no intention of changing my job, at least give me a few more months..

yes thou i know it's a job that dont have any CPF and it's unstable.. but so...?? i didnt say i want to do this as a lifelong career right?!! i did say ultimately one day i will switch jobs right?!! i did say give me a few more months right?!!

sometimes i just wanted to have a peaceful and quiet place to rest and relax.. but it just turns out vice versa.. not that i dont want to come home, but when home is like that, i wont feel like coming home anymore.. it kills my peaceful and comfy environment, and it always ended up in a heated argument..

i do not have much patience to explain more, again and again.. it's always the same issue everyday !!

and pls, stop asking about him.. yes we've broken up.. told you so many times as well le, still keep asking!! i dont see a need to explain why and never wished to.. never say means alr dont feel like saying but you just cant understand even after i've told you my stand.. ask and ask and ask.. what the hell.. it's all history, and now i've alr moved on.. so can you pls get back to present and stop stopping at the past...

i'm so sick and tired of it... so pissed off!! thou i know i'm definitely much more fortunate than a lot of families out there, but still, sorry.. home is still not a place where i want to be at if given a choice.. not at the moment..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

enough of the frustrations..
well basically my life is still as enjoyable..
1 month was simple but enjoyable.. *blissed*...
简单就是美 !
thanks bao bei!!

had been catching few movies lately..
'over her dead body' was superb..
cant remember when was the last time i laughed so hard and so long le..
tears even swell up cos of the laughing..
plus watching it with the person beside me makes it even better.. =)..

bao bei.. all i wanna say is that..
thanks for everything..
for you showed me my way to sunrise..
bringing me joy and laughters once again..
happy and blissed are the only words to describe..
having you, there's nothing much more i can ask for..

for i love you for who you are..
to treasure and cherish.......

happy cakey

whee~
super enjoy my life now..
choosing when i want to work and when i dont want to..
plus i enjoyed myself very much during work..

days not working are mostly spent with bao bei..
what's more can i ask for..?

hmm time passed real fast..
going to be 1 month le..

it's not as easy as it seems..
but still, no regrets.. and am really happy..
hope there's more to come.. =)..

east coast tonight again...
wheeee...!!!